But this week I've been down in the dumps, a little off, hormonal. I know that it's not the same as depression, but it's unsettling nonetheless. I know that there are a couple of things that can bring on this feeling, some of which I can control and some of which I can't. Busyness is one trigger of mine, bringing on slightly different feelings of just being out of control. That is something I can, and do try to, control. I only try to schedule a couple of additional commitments into my weekly schedule. The other factor is often personal sin, which leads to a feeling of discouragement. I feel unsettled and restless because there's something that I'm not dealing with before God--a sinful attitude or behavior or even disobedience to something that He's asked me to do--will eventually gnaw away at the false assurances that all is well in the world (or at least my life). Worry can also cause the general black cloud, and I think that may have been the issue this week.
It's such a contradiction. In these times (which do hit me more frequently as I've gotten older), I bemoan the fact that my children are growing up so fast one moment, and the next I wish for more freedom that grown up children afford. I feel like a horrible mom, and like I should be more attentive, and yet I only want to be left alone. I feel fat and unatttractive, and yet I eat ice cream. I know that there are things that I should be doing, yet I don't do them.
The first time I really noticed a prolonged feeling of something feeling not quite right was in September of last year. I shared my thoughts with a friend. She asked me how old I was, and said, "Yep. It happens."We've named this condition the thirty-five year old crazies, although they can begin any time in your thirties. She (not being a medical or psychological expert, just a wise mom, and a good friend) says that it's just one of those cycles a woman experiences. We have puberty, accompanied with raging hormones and physical changes, fertility and childbearing, again--raging hormones and physical changes, and then a post-childbearing yet pre-menopausal time that only seems right to bring with it some hormonal and even physical changes (can anyone say decreased metabolism? or the return of acne?). Fortunately, it never lasts more than a few days. If yours do, do some research. Talk with a doctor, a friend who you think might understand, or read a book from the library.
A dear friend of mine is going through a trial right now. She signed off her email with two well-used and oft-quoted verses, but also included a third from the same Psalm that I don't often see. Let's all hold fast to these promises, regardless of the circumstances in our lives.
I lift my eyes up to the hills--where does my help come from?A little postscript: I wrote this originally on Thursday afternoon, in the midst of the black cloud. By Thursday evening, I genuinely felt like it had passed. I think that a couple of factors could have been at work of the clearing of my mind:
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
The Lord will keep you from all harm--He will watch over your life.
Psalm 121: 1 - 2, 7
- I got a communication report from Amanda's teacher. I had definitely been worrying about some of Amanda's schoolwork, and the report put my mind at rest. I knew I had been worried about it, but I didn't think I was that worried until my mind was put at ease.
- I wrote down all of the issues here. I think that helped me work through them, to an extent, but also, I think that God may have wanted me to share them (which is why I'm still posting it).
- I did get some long-postponed chores done this afternoon.