I still am, I think. . . .
When I read Shannon's post at Rocks in My Dryer last week, In Which "Rock Dude" Comes for a Visit (about Compassion's Shaun Groves), I started to feel those heart palpitations when I thought about my own upcoming trip with Shaun.
It's cold feet. Cold feet doesn't mean that I'm doubting. They don't mean I'm going to back out. They don't mean that God's changed his mind. The about.com wedding section has a great article on cold feet. It explains why we get them (in regards to marriage): It's a big change, and we don't quite know what to expect. That is exactly my issue with this trip.
The article also gives suggestions how to deal with cold feet, and distinguishing them from real doubts. One idea is to write your fears down. They will either look silly, or you can then try to figure out if there's a solution.
My fears (and solutions):
- There's the big life-altering one -- "What if God changes me?" or perhaps my bigger fear, "What if He doesn't?" When I commented on Shannon's post, she sent me an encouraging word via email, and I shared these thoughts with her, and she gave a very wise answer: God will change you as much as He wants to. Well, okay then. I can trust God with this fear. Problem solved.
- What if no one cares? The Uganda trip was awesome. There were some great bloggers who went along, and I know that many in our community followed Shannon's and Sophie's stories. People sponsored children (I did!), people followed their journey -- not only to Africa -- c'mon they went to Africa -- but the whole pre and post-trip life-changes that occured. Well, this one is silly (and perhaps a little prideful). I'll go back to Shannon's train of thought on that one -- God will do exactly what He wants to do though this trip.
- What if no one likes me? I'm thinking about my team mates here, and even though it sounds silly even before I write it down to de-bunk it, it's out there -- just like on the first day in a new class or at a new church. It's there. Since I was the first blogger who was confirmed on the trip (when Shaun contacted 5 Minutes for Mom for a representative), I prayed for the team that he was working on forming from the get-go. So again, shouldn't I trust God for the group dynamics? (Speaking of the group: Melanie just posted today about her process of doubts to confirmation to excitement, and did confirm my real call, not my fake cold feet. But then I got to thinking, the fact that Big Mama is going to be there brings a whole new fear to my mind: What will I wear?)
I never used to have an answer to that "What's your 'life verse'?" question, but over the last few years, one has stuck:
Teach me to number my days aright, that I may gain a heart of wisdom -- Psalm 90:12.And it fits. Those six days, November 2 - 6, are a part of my God-ordained days. I pray that I will gain some wisdom about God's view of the poor and my role in helping them.