For the last six years, home has been Connecticut. However, home has also simultaneously been Houston. I was very much at home in Connecticut, but Houston still felt like home. When I visited there each year, I had these strange feelings of sadness and homesickness -- both for my home in Connecticut and the one I had left. I couldn't really explain it. I almost felt sad to be there because I knew I'd return, and that would mean I wouldn't be living in Connecticut anymore.
Last summer when we were there, the connections felt deep. I was thankful for friends and family there, and the ability to just pick up where we leave off at the previous visit. It was the first time I hadn't felt like I was glad to be back home visiting, but also quite glad that I didn't live there anymore. I mused, "If we had to move back, it wouldn't be so bad."
Thank you, God, for advance confirmation of your plan for us. It was one of the things that helped me so willingly step out to explore Terry's options. And once we decided that indeed this was a great job opportunity and that this was the right time to relocate, I got a little excited.
I'm still torn. I know it's right, I know that it will be a great thing for our family, but it's hard to say goodbye.
The much-more-exciting and eloquent blogger at Planet Nomad recently wrote about these conflicting feelings since she's left her home in Morocco and moved back home to Portland (Oh, Portland, I miss you too, birthplace of my firstborn!) in too vague for a title.
I commented there, and then hopped over here and wrote this post. Here's my comment:
I'm sorry that you are missing home while you are at home. I understand.
My move is imminent (days away now!!). The goodbyes have been hard, and yet I'm just ready to do it already. I know that it's going to be a good transition, but hard in many ways. I have a lot of hopes for our "new life," but a lot of fears that nothing will change.
Where did that come from? Did blog-reading suddenly become a sort of therapy?
But it's true. Park of the allure of a move is the ability to start with a fresh slate, to reinvent ourselves. We have some bad habits that we've been trying to change, like the kids watching too much TV (we've made pretty good progress on that actually).
The new Jennifer in Houston keeps a cleaner house, she writes letters to friends (real ones, not just email), she is a devoted granddaughter, and an attentive mom (playing board games and laughing). She cooks wholesome dinners and the snacks that she serves her children are fruits and vegetables. She also bakes more, and invites her children into the kitchen to bake with her. She is a gracious playdate hostess, and a frequent entertainer.
Seriously. I imagine these things. They are part of my hopes and dreams for our new life. But in reality my house will probably be just as cluttered, my temper will be just as short, my selfishness will be just as ugly, and my kitchen just as ho-hum as it's been lately.
What do you dream about changing about your current lifestyle and choices?